Pain is weakness leaving the body

I'm in a whole world of pain today, so I will be keeping this post kinda short as I can't type very well!

I was sore on waking yesterday after Vinyasa Yoga class, but I felt I had a little more emotion still to deal with so I strapped on some boxing gloves last night and took out the remaining negative states and emotions (left over from Friday night and that I was experiencing over the weekend) on a pair of focus pads held by my new Personal Trainer.  

It felt great to be able to box again, but my goodness I am so sore today that I can barely hold a pen, let alone control a mouse or type! I am pleased and proud that I lasted as long as I did and that my shoulder barely hurts.

I'm looking at the physical pain I'm feeling today as weakness leaving the body. Those negative states and emotions are leaving my body in the form of black smoke that I am visualising as I breathe out consciously today - and will not be returning. I had a very quick meltdown with a few tears on Sunday night for the length of half a verse of a U2 song, but for the most part I'm pretty much over it.

I also visited Maggie (my medium) today, who nearly had me in stitches when a few of the tarot cards came out of the pack. Cards appearing like intuition, worthiness and meditation were just priceless.  Maggie is always spot on and so are the cards. I have lots of great ideas that I need to channel into actions and I need to meditate, remind myself that I am a strong fierce warrior and trust my intuition because it's spot on. I am worthy, I am strong, I am fierce and I am worth it!

Everything I have been hearing and reading in NLP, Tony Robbins and my coaching courses came out of those cards today. Talk about appearance to mind! 

I'm on day 7 today of meditating every day for at least 5-10 minutes first thing in the morning, whether that be through guided meditations, Buddhist meditations, affirmations, chanted meditation or listening to music and focusing on the breath. Only 358 days to go!

I am feeling calmer, more focussed and a great sense of clarity as a result of meditating. I am also feeling more centred, grounded and balanced. The "hour of power" concept that I learnt from Tony Robbins years ago and from my coaching module last week is paying off. 

I am also proud to say that I ran 2km non-stop last night after all that boxing, for the first time in over two years (since blowing out the shoulder). I was just going to do 1km, then it was 1.5km, then I decided to stop at 2km. I probably could have kept going but that's okay, I just wanted to see what 2km felt like now that I'm tiny again!

I am now researching yoga and meditation classes in Malaysia and Singapore while I'm there for three weeks, as well as running trails and I have already bought lots of groupons for massages and facial/beauty treatments while I'm away.  Three weeks to go - getting excited now!

My question for you today is, what do you have to look forward to?

Vinyasa and movies - the perfect Sunday

Sometimes it's good to break your routine in favour of creating a new one. This morning I braved the (literally) freezing cold and walked down to the local yoga studio for Vinyasa yoga. The studio opened about six months ago and this was the first time I have made the effort to get back on the mat since blowing out my shoulder two years ago.  I wanted to go last week but slept in on purpose and didn't get  there. I promised myself I'd go today instead. And I did!

My physio told me a few weeks ago to get back into yoga for strength and flexibility and boxing for power, coordination and strength, so I've now got my yoga back on and will be actioning the boxing hopefully tomorrow night.  

Vinyasa is a style of yoga that I hadn't done before. I've done Hatha and and Iyengar before, but I'm thinking that I like the flowing style of Vinyasa. I'm sure my muscles will hate my guts tomorrow (I can feel my quads already, although my hammies are nice and loose) but that's just too bad. Lots of stretching, lots of movement, lots of breathing, a bit of Om chanting and some blankie time at the end - 1hr 15mins later I was struggling to get my shoes on because I was so darn relaxed!

I trotted home from class listening to Tibetan singing bowl recordings and then headed off to the movies.  I've been wanting to see a couple of movies that were released recently so today I saw The Hangover Part 3. It was a good way to lose a couple of hours with a few laughs at the sheer ridiculousness of the situations the characters find themselves in.  Resourceful drama, as Joe Pane would say. 

I have now decided that as part of my "have more fun" pledge to myself, I will go to the movies once a month. I think I've seen four or five movies since moving to Australia three years ago - two were events courtesy of workplaces - so this needs to change. 

I've also decided that I need more yoga, so I will be doing the studio's unlimited monthly membership so that I can do Vinyasa on Thursday nights, Saturday and Sunday mornings, as well as a beginner's class straight after Saturday morning Vinyasa. I need the practice for my body, mind and spirit - it's been a hard seven months at work and it's time I started looking after myself properly with good things to focus on.

The unresourceful state I've been in since Friday night's events seems to be lifting and although I've still got some work to do around this space, making a list of all the stuff I have to organise and book for my upcoming holiday has reminded me that looking forward to stuff is far better than looking back. Why spend all my time looking in the rear view mirror when I need to be watching the speedo and the road ahead? I will be writing a list tomorrow during my hour of power of all the things I have to look forward to - believe me, there's lots of them!

Additionally, I will be encouraging a potential client to do the same this week. He is going through a marriage break up and is very wired up at the moment. I believe he needs resourceful things to channel his energies into or his mind will eat him alive. 

I'm up to module 7 of my coaching course and nearly halfway through the certified professional coach portion. I'd like to get it done before I go to Malaysia on holiday for three weeks and I dearly need to get the NLP side of things up to date also. I have downloaded all the remaining audio sessions for NLP and need to find some some NET (no extra time) to listen to it. 

I also need to find some coaching clients to work with.  Better make that a priority this week! 

I must away...work to do!

Living by your Values - the key to a happy life

I recently spent a Friday night hanging out with Tony Robbins. Well, okay then - not literally. I have all of his audio programs and love nothing more than spending time listening to his amped up over-enthusiasm and passion for life. I was funshopping my values and beliefs, the good and the less than ideal.

I came up with a list of values and a list of beliefs to live by. I'll share the values a little later in this post.  The beliefs need their own post!

Four days ago, I was walking to work listening to Tony Robbins' sessions about the six human needs and I heard him say:

"People will violate their values to meet their needs."

This was such a profound revelation (aka a Eureka! or BFO ("blinding flash of the obvious") that I had to pull out my phone and whack it in as a note on the spot. Normally this would go straight into my inspiration journal or success journal, but I was two steps from a railway crossing and not about to pull out my success journal in the middle of the street.

Let me say it again:

"People will violate their values to meet their needs."

I am still processing the events of last night and I do believe on my post last night that I alluded to my refusal to violate my values for anyone or anything. I don't like living in internal conflict, so my values are non-negotiable. They are my map of the world, my compass, my road map if you will.

My values, in no particular order, include:

• Success in achieving my goals and dreams
• Fun, adventures, new experiences - which give me variety, uncertainty, confidence, happiness and positivity. 
• Knowledge and learning (CAN-I or constant and never ending improvement)
• Health and fitness
• Helping others
• Trust, honesty, loyalty, reliability, friendship
• Order, control, organisation and planning - which give me certainty
• Relaxation and chill out time to recharge my emotional, spiritual, physical and mental batteries
• Time to myself, for myself, to be present with myself and work on developing myself, my talents, my abilities, my knowledge and my strengths
• Love and connection

The situation that I cryptically alluded to last night was ultimately going to violate quite a few of my values if it had gone the way I thought I wanted it to. 

I don't think I could successfully function in my life and achieve everything on my 101 things list with that kind of internal conflict going on. I know myself too well - it's not worth the drama. 

I am fiercely loyal to those people and things in my life that I love. For example, my family, my friends and my love of the NSW Blues State of Origin team. I will never, ever support QLD. 

I also value honesty and hate being led up the garden path. I prefer to be straight with people and expect the same courtesy from them. Obviously everyone's map is different and I know that - but two maps at polar opposites are just not going to mesh well. It will all end in tears. 

I need lots of certainty or I feel mentally out of control; but at the same time I need some uncertainty / variety to keep a balance. I can plan most things down to the minute but most times I pull back and just go with the flow. I just can't function with too much flow!  

I just cannot live by someone else's map. 

Have you had times where you've violated your own values and tried to live by another person's values instead? 

How did that make you feel?

Was it successful?

Just make a decision!

About a month ago I attended a personal development weekend funshop (note the distinction of "Funshop", as opposed to "Workshop") called "Personal Power", facilitated by the amazing Joe Pane and held at The Coaching Institute in Albert Park. It was the best weekend I've had in ages - possibly even years!

At the funshop, I made some pretty significant decisions. I took action on some of them immediately, and have been reaping the rewards. I took action on another one tonight, something that has been bugging me for months. I decided that enough was enough, I needed answers and I needed them now.

And I got answers.

Not the answers I actually wanted, but at least now I have clarity and information and a desire to move forward with the knowledge that nothing ventured really does mean nothing gained. Apologies for being a little cryptic here, but this is the public domain of the interweb and let's face it, I may be a coach in training but that doesn't mean that my whole entire life is (or indeed needs to be) an open book!

Now there's a whole lot of "should-ing" on myself going on. I should have done this months ago. I should have presupposed the outcome, I should have known that this would be exactly how it went. I should have known that things would turn out the way they did. I should have given up weeks ago. I should have...blah blah blah.

As Anthony Robbins said, "before you know it, you've just should all over yourself!"

And then there's the could haves, would haves and all the rest of the mind games going on in my head. "It could have turned out differently if only I would have...". Where will this get me? Well, it won't help me GET OVER MYSELF!!!

I am disappointed that I didn't get the result that I wanted from this taking action on this decision. Would it have been nice to have things go my way? Of course. But that's not what happened and even though a tiny wee part of myself is annoyed with myself because things didn't turn out how I wanted them to, I am proud that I had the lady balls to GET OVER MYSELF and give it a red hot crack.

I am also proud that I haven't compromised my values.

I regret nothing.   Neither does this random spinning disco chicken.

From hell week to Happy New Year

Well, the gym has now been open about six weeks and what a wild ride it's been.

I've had a freakishly full-on six weeks and have finally been able to truly enjoy the public holidays over Christmas as days off. OMG, I totally forgot what days off were! I was at one point slamming about 80hrs a week, 16-18 hour days, etc. I racked up so many hours that I should have just moved into the gym. Ah well.

Now that things have settled for 12 hours or so, I've been able to sit down for five minutes and sort out the hell hole that was my house. Was my house are the operative words in this sentence. I've been able to clean and tidy and organise and declutter and all that jazz. I've caught up on all the TV I recorded during my 80hr weeks and I've even had time to cook from scratch. Heck, I even baked Christmas cakes a couple of weeks ago. They were freaking awesome.

I cleaned the windows on Christmad day, because I woke up early and am so used to cleaning like a demon every morning that it's become habit. That, and I was bored and couldn't sleep. I became all domesticated and hauled out the new sheets and doona covers and towels I bought earlier this year, before poverty! I rearranged the furniture and cleaned and tidied and pared down and decluttered like a woman possessed.

I bought myself one of those keep cup things to take my own espresso to work in (no more spending $25 a week on coffee, I have a holiday coming up and plenty of Tiffany to buy), started going home for lunch and am generally enjoying the fact that my commute to work is on foot and under five minutes.

On the subject of training and the shoulder, I can finally climb on the spin bike again. It is so good to be able to climb! I'm back doing triceps and I'm allowed on the rower at level 1 (and a raging time is had by all at level 1, oh yes indeed!). I'm seeing Ash the awesome next week so fingers crossed I get cleared to do some more stuff. I'm sick of the bingo wing quite frankly.

Pulling my head in and my socks up

After a good night's sleep, some good music, a good movie and a good laugh, I am feeling way less stressed and tired and over everything. Funny what a difference 10 hours of sleep can make.

The new gym should be open mid this week. I am hanging out for it - we've got spin bikes with computers, lots of leg machines, spaces for me to hang my therabands, mats for abs, rowing machines and normal bikes. I can't wait until I can start using the fun stuff like the TRX and kettlebells and the synrgy.

I'm still banned from treadmills and using the stride handles on the cross trainers until I see the surgeon in January for my six month post-op checkup. I'm also temporarily banned from the rower until I get enough strength up to use it. Probably that will have to wait until I see Ash (my awesome surgeon) in January also. So, for now it's spin bike, cross trainer with no arms, core work and legs.

I'll soon be able to come home for lunch, walk to work and work out again. Having had no gym access for the last two months has sucked and I have so much stuff for the gym in my house that I can't set up my bike on the mag trainer anyway. Bring on the spin bikes! I'll start going back through my coach Jamie's initial programs for bike and run stuff, and look at what else I can do. Hopefully my physio can write me a program for the arm and shoulder stuff.

So, my routine will now look something like this:

Monday - train in the morning and work
Tuesday - physio, work and cardio
Wednesday - train in the morning and work
Thursday - physio, work and cardio
Friday - day off, errands and training
Saturday - physio and work
Sunday - day off and rest day

I'll throw some Zumba in somewhere as it will help with killing the boredom I get from the incessant physio exercises. Yes, they are absolutely necessary but they are so freaking BORING!!!

I'm now off to grab some breakfast, do the washing and shopping, tidy the house, then chill out with a movie tonight before the most feral week of my life kicks in!

18 weeks and bitching

Warning: Rant follows.

I'm now 18 weeks post-op from my shoulder recon. I have more strength and ROM than I did eight weeks ago, but many things are still really difficult and frustrating.

For the past two weeks I've been able to do up my own bras. BONUS! I can lift small and light things in and out of the microwave with the operated side, and I've progressed up through the therabands for most exercises. I'm allowed to put a bit of weight on my operated side, not much, but a bit. I can almost type at normal speed again, but sometimes my arm and hand just lose the plot and won't do what I tell them.

Most of the time I feel like a normal person, until I go to grab something on a high shelf and have to say "go go gadget arm" to make my arm move. Sleeping on that side isn't comfy and some days I want to have a meltdown. Most days I just keep on keeping on, pretending that this isn't as frustrating and painful as it actually is.

This is no walk in the park, no piece of cake, nor is it a happy 1950's film clip of fluffy bunnies and purring kittens. It's exhausting, frustrating, annoying and a million other things that end with -ing.

I'm almost 20 weeks down and still can't get my arm over my head properly under it's own steam. I can't do push ups and some words I just can't touch type. I can't vacuum, mop the floor or pull the blankets up on my bed. I can't change my doona cover on my own, move the furniture or ride my bike. I can't swim, I can't lift stuff and I can't do anything repetitive.

I'm not even out of the woods yet - I'm not safe until the seven month mark, which is February. There is still a huge risk of the repair coming apart, hence why I can't put too much weight on the arm or do anything fun like swim freestyle or throw a footy.

At the 12 month mark (July 2013) we will know if the operation has been successful and if so, how successful. I may achieve a 90% return of pre-injury strength and function at best. I'd settle for 50% right now, I think I'm about 35-40% at present.

My muscle is slowly returning but I can no longer say that my arms and shoulders are my best feature and selling point as a PT, because I'm no longer a PT and I no longer have two great arms and shoulders. I worked bloody hard to get what I had in terms of muscle tone and definition. Even my lats have waisted and my whole body is now lopsided. Whoever said this would be easy needs a knuckle sandwich.

Bring on 12 months and one day post-op, so I can see a lawyer about compensation for the two years of lost earnings from not being able to work as a PT, and for the pain and suffering incurred.

And then bring on my big holiday to Malaysia and Singapore - that's "Singalaysia" or "Malaysiapore" to me, depending on my mood!

/endrant

10 weeks and counting

It's now been 10 weeks since the surgery. My supraspinatus repair has been great, I just wish I could say the same for the messing with my biceps tendon.

I've now been out of the sling four weeks and each day I get a little stronger and a little more movement back, not necessarily in the plane of motion that I want. Any kind of forwards movement requires a lot of effort and comes with a lot of pain. If I don't use momentum from my shoulder or torso to move the arm up or outwards (forwards of course), it hurts like hell and the control just isn't there.

It's causing me issues and limiting my movement and causing me pain. I'm over it. I see the surgeon in two weeks and I can't wait to get some answers. I can do pretty much anything backwards, some things sideways, but very little forwards. I can now scratch my face without bringing my head down to meet my hand, and I can touch the hair on my head too. Yesterday I managed to do up a bra on the loosest hook with both arms (almost) behind my back.

I do of course have way more movement with way less pain than I did in the previous update. I haven't taken any painkillers with any regularity since week one, aside from the odd occasion my shoulder has become furious with me and demanded them. Stress makes it ache, the cold doesn't seem to any longer and it's been a nice ten weeks of not waking up every day at 3.30am in screaming pain.

I can now type and use my mouse (and Mac) again, which is great. The iPad is fabulous and I'll be forever grateful to Apple for it, but I've missed a keyboard and mouse. I've missed the raised bouncy buttons of my wireless keyboard and the ability to whack out a sentence at 70wpm. I've missed being able to right-click, hold down keys, do some things online that you just can't do on an iPad or iPhone, and am generally enjoying Mountain Lion too.

On the plus side, after seeing the surgeon on October 4th, I should be cleared to start strength training with therabands, providing I can get my dang arm over my head. The physio gave me a pulley last week so I could start passive overhead ROM. It's boring but necessary, and hurts like heck. Fun times.

My idea of a ragey night now involves a hot wheat pack before exercises, a nice cold ice pack after the exercises, and a skinny hot chocolate with which to wash down my myriad of pills. I swear the glucosamine and chondroitin are helping with my recovery, everything else is just for my health. I take a COQ10, multivitamin, metformin for my PCOS and diabtetes, Vitamin D becuase i'm a D deficient diabetic, and two glucosamines.

I've been on glucosamine since my major knee surgery in 2005. I stayed on it because the surgeon said it works - and he's right. Without it, I can barely walk with the pain from my knees - I'm practically crippled without it. I know it is helping with my shoulder too, I just wish it would hurry up and sort out the long head of my biceps tendon.

I'm also planning and slowly saving for a nice treat next year - a couple of weeks in Malaysia and Singapore. I haven't had an actual holiday in over five years and to be honest, I'm over it! This time five years ago, I was in Singapore, on my maiden voyage to Asia. It was amazing!

I miss Singapore like crazy, I had such a great time and have so many great memories. I adore Malaysia  too, so I'm going to fly from Melbourne to Langkawi via KL for a couple of days. Then I'm flying to Penang for a couple of days before going back to Borneo - only this time I'm going to Sarawak instead of Sabah, and staying a couple of days in Kuching (Malay for Cat).

From Kuching I'm flying to Johor Bahru, as it was half the price of flying into Singapore and it's just over the causeway bridge from my beloved Lion City. I'll have a night or two in JB where I'll be visiting Legoland Malaysia, doing a speedboat ride and then a Straits of Johor crusie on a three storey ship with Karaoke and a buffet dinner, then I'll bus over to Singapore for MYR3 (about 90c Aussie) for a couple of days, then bus back to JB and either overnight train or fly back to KL for a couple of days (with a side trip to Melaka), then head back to Melbourne.

Air Asia had a well-timed sale last week and I had flight credit for cancelling my flights for my planned trip this year, which was canned due to my surgery. So, I purchased three internal flights from Langkawi to Penang, Penang to Kuching and Kuching to JB. Score!  Now I just need a return Melbourne/KL and a KL/Langkawi and we're set!

I'm already researching and planning and budgeting etc. I had it all planned for this year and then had to pull the pin, so I just need to update prices and plan for a few new bits and pieces (like Legoland which only opened two weeks ago). I'm doing fllghts, hotels/hostels, transport and food as cheaply as possible, as I want some spending money for the Ramadan night markets and Petaling Street, and plan to save my shopping until the end of my trip in Singapore and KL. I'm going to travel the first ten days with just a carry on bag, then smash the shopping! By then I'll be tiny and able to fit into Singapore clothes.

Other than that, I have a new job as manager of a brand new gym not far from home. We're opening next month and between that and the physio and the holiday planning, I don't have a life. LOL.

And that's all for now folks.

Post surgery update

Since I am now down to one hand for the next several weeks, I will give you a brief update of what's been happening since I had my shoulder surgery on Friday 13th of July 2012.

Surgery kicked off at about 9:45 in the morning on Friday 13th of July. I was in theatre for approximately an hour and a quarter. The surgery went very well and the surgeon told me later that day that he was very pleased with how the operation went. I had minimal pain that day because I had a nerve block which was inserted through the right side of my neck. My right hand and arm were completely numb until this wore off just after midnight on Friday 13th of July.

Unfortunately Saturday was not a good day for me. I was absolutely chock-full of opiates which make me extremely sick. I straddled with pain relief all day Saturday and Saturday night and early Sunday morning. Nursing staff were uncooperative at best, did not really wish to help me solve my pain problems, and I struggled to get ice packs all that day and night.

I was rather unceremoniously kicked out of hospital on Sunday morning and sent home. I had issues with the pain relief that the pharmacist was trying to get me, but this was to do with the change in my medication on the Saturday as I was so sick. I finally got the correct pain relief, however they did not complete discharge procedures correctly and I was not offered any support at home. This was very disappointing to me, it was a situation I had worked very hard to avoid.

I have now been home since late Sunday morning. Because I had done a lot of cooking and preprepared meals and froze them, I have been able to feed myself quite adequately. I have become an expert at making "one arm porridge". I am also very good at making coffees with one arm, although I am too scared to fill the kettle all the way in case I drop and burn myself. The home help and attendant Care that I had arranged weeks ago through WorkCover has come through and has been absolutely invaluable and assisting me to remain independent and in my Own house.

As I am using dictation, it is very difficult for me to get my words down correctly. The phone does not really like my hybrid Kiwi-Aussie accent and it is causing dramas. Once I am able to type I will definitely fill you in more.

Surgery Week

It's surgery week. On Friday this week (yes, Friday the 13th) I am finally having my shoulder reconstruction surgery. One year, two months and 28 days after the accident at work that busted my shoulder.

This process and the unreasonably lengthy wait for surgery have taught me many things. My pearls of wisdom are below.

The only person that truly has your back is yourself - closely followed by your BFF. I bet that the person who could have cut down on the time I've been waiting for surgery by actually doing their job and the paperwork that would have expedited the process 14 months and 28 days ago won't a) visit me in hospital, b) care that I'm having surgery or c) even wish me well on the road to recovery. I'm still very disappointed that I trusted this person. Oh well, lesson learned, move on!  Ps I'm un-friending them on Facebook today. Whatever. YOLO.

Organisation and planning and preparation prevents a veritable tonne of frustration post-op. I consider myself to be extremely well prepared for the aftermath - meals cooked and frozen in portioned containers, paper plates and plastic cutlery, mugs with lids, a long-arm reacher, front-opening bras (sorry boys, TMI, I know!), clothes that are easy to put on with one arm, light but warm blankets and doonas on the bed, elastic lace locks for my shoes, electric toothbrush - etc.

Of course, there will inevitably be stuff I've forgotten about. But I'll deal with that later.  At least with a long arm reacher in the house, if I drop anything on the floor it won't be sacrificed to the floor gods now.

Side-splitting comedies and dance flicks are not good to have on your iPad post-op. Fits of laughter will result in pain, and dance flicks will result in attempts to boogie in the bed and chair, which will result in pain.

Making sure you have entertainment for the hours you will be spending alone in hospital with only beeping machines and overworked nurses for company is imperative. Poor nurses. I'm converting my movies into an iPad-friendly format as I type. Obviously not the funny or dance ones. More stuff like Shaun of the Dead, Hot Fuzz, The Bucket List, etc, is required.

That's about it. I'm sure I'll be far more amusing next week on painkillers, using Dragon dictation for blog posts, seeing as I won't be able to write, type or use my right hand properly for weeks. Did I mention I'm right-handed. Oh yes...that's another little challenge to deal with!